It’s not every
day you get to watch one of those very stupid movies with no aim to inform.
Neither is it every day you get to see one of those stupid movies that end up
being entertaining. But when you do, they’re like a diamond in the rough.
Netflix’s The Package is one such movie, and the problem with movies
like this is that they’re on the borderline of hate-it-or-love-it, depending on
the kind of stupid you enjoy. When the movie is over, there’s no lesson learned
or an “aww” moment—all you have is an experience you enjoyed but wouldn’t mind
not reliving for a few years.
The Package is
sexually charged all around, but other than the characters watching porn,
there’s no sex or nudity from any character in this movie. So, if you’re
looking for some sex, this is the wrong movie. What we have here is a
director/writer’s insatiable amount of references. These references are
understandable, as the movie is about three teenagers trying to get a severed
penis to their friend/brother, who accidentally cut it off.
Yes, the owner of the penis cut his own penis off by mistake, and here’s how it
happened.
These three friends planned a guys’ trip to the woods for some camping and
bonding. One of the guys is a twin, and his twin sister just got her heart
broken. Their parents told him that she had to come along. So, she brings her
friend, who used to have a fling with one of the guys.
Before embarking
on this trip, the guys use a fake army ID to buy alcohol, then head to the
woods to get drunk and have some fun camping. Yes, one of the guys was hoping
to get laid, but things didn’t go the way he wanted because a prank ended up
with one of them accidentally cutting his penis off.
The rest of the group, being a little smarter, put it on ice and called 911.
The helicopter shows up, and I’ll have to drop a spoiler here—but don’t worry,
if everything had gone well, the movie would have been 27 minutes long. They
gave the wrong cooler to the emergency team, and now they must find a way to
get to the hospital with the right cooler containing their friend/brother’s
dick.
The movie is all
about this journey. There’s some dick biting, dick sucking, deep dick cleaning,
and many other unimaginable things that happen to this penis on its way to
being reattached.
Like I said, if you don’t like such movies… you’ll dislike this one too. But if
you’re like me and such things don’t bother you, here’s a movie for you to
check out this weekend.
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