Three Thousand Years of Longing (2022)

 Three Thousand Years of Longing (2022)

 

5/10

Starring

Idris Elba

Tilda Swinton

 

Directed by George Miller

 

This romantic fantasy may not be everyone’s cup of tea. The movie starts with a cautious Alithea (Tilda Swinton) going about her lonely life before coming into possession of a Djinn (Idris Elba), who offers her three wishes. Her initial hesitation and determination not to be a sucker drew me in—I was eager to see how it would all end.

But the movie lost me the moment she made her first wish. Without spoiling anything, she wished for something that was clearly missing in her life, which wasn’t surprising. Unfortunately, from there, the movie ended in a way that felt woefully disappointing.

I had hoped she would remain cautious throughout and take a more creative approach to her wishes. Instead, the movie seemed more focused on the Djinn’s three stories than on her journey. While the stories themselves were engaging, the lack of imagination in her wishes left me feeling underwhelmed. It’s probably why the movie wasn’t a massive hit. Her quick submission to the strange wish also felt like a missed opportunity for more depth.

The movie is based on a short story called The Djinn in the Nightingale's Eye by British novelist A. S. Byatt, published in 1994. I haven’t read the story, so I can’t say whether the movie stayed true to its source material or not.

To be fair, I enjoyed the Djinn’s three stories—that was the highlight for me. The plot itself is simple: Alithea loves to travel and narrate stories, living a mostly solitary life. She was once married, but the marriage ended, and the movie gives us glimpses of what may have caused it without diving too deeply.

On one of her trips, she purchases a peculiar bottle with burnt stains on it. Later, in her hotel room, she cleans the bottle and accidentally releases the Djinn, who offers her three wishes.

The Djinn explains that he’s been trapped in this wish-granting cycle ever since King Solomon (yes, the biblical one) imprisoned him. His only path to freedom is for someone to make three complete wishes. To persuade her, he shares stories of the times and places he’s lived through since his imprisonment, as well as why none of his previous masters ever finished their wishes.

In the end, I admired the movie’s ambition to capture the wonder of Solomon’s time and the eras that followed, but that’s all it really offered me. The visuals were stunning, but beyond that, it didn’t leave much of an impression.

Emily the Criminal (2022)

Emily the Criminal (2022)

5/10

Starring

Aubrey Plaza

Theo Rossi

Megalyn Echikunwoke

Gina Gershon

 

Directed by John Patton Ford

 

Decaying somewhere will be this movie, and all memory of me seeing it will soon be lost. The sad thing is that it won’t be missed. Even though the movie is slightly more entertaining than the nonsense thrown at us during this drought of good, eye-watering cinema, it still lacks the ingredients to make it memorable.

A hard-luck woman decides to tackle her difficulties by getting involved in an illegal credit card scheme, which inevitably leads to needless tragedy and deceit. Wow! How surprising. The biggest problem isn’t just the lack of originality—it’s the lack of creativity in recycling ideas. Sure, there’s nothing truly new under the sun, but at least do something worthwhile with what you’re reusing.

This movie relied too heavily on Ctrl+C (copy) and Ctrl+V (paste) from things we’ve already seen.

Emily is working hard, doing odd jobs to get by, hoping to land a better job and escape her current state of despair. One day, a colleague asks her to cover his shift and, in return, gives her a contact offering $200 an hour. The offer seems too good to be true, and she jumps at the chance, only to discover it’s a fraudulent credit card scheme. The job involves going to a store, buying an expensive item with a fake credit card and fake ID, and then handing it over to the ring leaders. For each successful run, she earns $200.

Her first attempt goes smoothly, and she gets a second offer—this time for $2,000. Things don’t go as well on this run, but out of nowhere, one of the men overseeing the ring takes a liking to Emily. Their budding connection leads to Emily getting her own setup: her own numbers, a fake card-making device, and the ability to make her own purchases to sell on the street.

As expected, things spiral out of control when the two decide to become a couple, and the movie ends in a way that highlights just how much more compelling it could have been if the writer had been more creative with the material.

The current drought of good movies, combined with directors and writers being stretched thin across endless streaming platforms, means we’re often left to make do with what’s dropped at our feet. While this isn’t one of the best options out there, it’s something to pass the time while waiting for something better.

Pinocchio (2022)

Pinocchio (2022)

 

3/10

Starring

Tom Hanks

Benjamin Evan Ainsworth

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

 

Directed by Robert Zemeckis

 

This Disney live-action remake is all skeleton and no flesh.

If I were anywhere near the board of people deciding what movies to make, I would not have approved this one. It felt like an impossible task—remaking a story about a puppet who wants to be a real boy and must overcome many challenges to achieve it. When you watch the 1940 Pinocchio, the fun lies in the comedy surrounding Pinocchio’s journey and his string of bad decisions. I saw the movie in the early ’90s, back when it wasn’t an issue to see a child smoking on screen or drinking beer (not root beer like in this remake). The cruelty of Pinocchio’s experiences and the almost impossible situations he had to escape to save himself and his father were what made the story memorable.

This movie, however, made one big mistake: it didn’t go all the way. Why not? Why stop at being saved from Monstro? Why not show the full ordeal—Pinocchio lying because he was a bad boy? What about Pinocchio being sold for money? And the donkey incident—why not include it? Why not show him being mischievous and running off again?

The story of Pinocchio being constantly swept up in the moment was just frustrating. It didn’t add to the movie; instead, it made it boring, like a watered-down version that could only fill a TV slot late at night when no one’s watching.

The only redeeming feature of this movie is its wonderful CGI. It’s a visually stunning retelling of a man who created a wooden boy to fill the hole left by the loss of his own son. Before going to bed, he wished the puppet could be real, only to wake up and find it moving around his home without strings.

Pinocchio’s task was to prove himself true, brave, and wise to complete his transformation into a real boy. He could only do this with the guidance of Jiminy Cricket as his conscience.

The journey began the next day with a harsh reality check: children belong in school, and puppets belong in puppet shows. This one event set Pinocchio on a path of misfortune, where he nearly lost his life—and his father’s—on his misguided journey through life on his very first day.

I never saw much marketing for this movie, which makes me think Disney also knew it was a dud.

Me Time (2022)

Me Time (2022)

 3/10

 

Starring

Kevin Hart

Mark Wahlberg

 

Directed by John Hamburg

 

You get the feeling Netflix is scraping the bottom of the barrel for anything that might stick as a good movie for people to talk about. This one doesn’t make any sense at all. The entire concept of the movie is drowned out by what writer and director John Hamburg thinks qualifies as funny. Add mediocre acting—like every main cast member was exhausted and just trying to survive the last hour of a stressful shift—and you’ve got a dud.

A grown man taking a dump on someone else’s bed? I know the Amber Heard situation was bizarre, but that incident wasn’t funny, and neither is this. If this is what passes as humor now, it shows just how desperate they were to cobble something together.

This movie feels like an overused rag that should’ve been tossed out but was instead dragged out one more time, now with stains all over it, still failing to do the job.

The plot follows two old friends, Sonny and Huck (played by Kevin Hart and Mark Wahlberg, respectively). Huck has a tradition of getting Sonny to do crazy things with him on his birthday. After three years apart, Sonny has become a stay-at-home dad while Huck continues to live the wild life.

For Huck’s 44th birthday, he invites Sonny to join the festivities. Sonny, now boring and stuck in his routine, is hesitant, but his wife insists he go. She wants a chance to bond with their kids without him around. Sonny finally agrees to take some “Me-Time” while his wife takes the kids to her parents.

What follows is the wild ride Huck has planned for his birthday. Along the way, we discover there’s more to Huck than meets the eye—he’s hiding something critical from Sonny.

The plot is painfully predictable, with the only twist being just how much more predictable it can get.

I’m honestly at the point where I don’t want to watch anything on Netflix for a while. It’s going to take something amazing to make me forget this movie ever existed.

Kevin Hart is clearly just coasting these days, pumping out movies with the bare minimum effort. Casting him and Wahlberg together for this was a complete waste of money, especially for a script that should’ve been nothing more than a 10-minute skit.

The movie is streaming on Netflix, but I’d recommend finding an old series to rewatch instead. Your chances of making it through this without falling asleep are slim. If the boredom doesn’t get you, the stupidity on screen will.