Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken (2023)

 Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken (2023)

 

2/10

Starring

Lana Condor

Toni Collette

Annie Murphy

Colman Domingo

Jane Fonda

 

Directed by Kirk DeMicco

 

Sometimes, when a film sucks, we wonder why. This is an animation with a very odd name, a seemingly unique story, and a production budget that should have delivered great CGI. So, what went wrong?

Well, when you start watching and just about five minutes in, it will be clear to you why this movie flopped at the box office. I’ve spent time around kids today and listened to how they talk. One thing is obvious: children today are much smarter than we were at their age. They’ve grown up with animations like Spider-Verse and Disney films, so thinking this bad CGI and boring Krakens would hold their attention, or even warrant a re-watch, is ridiculous.

This film is so silly that it’s amazing it even got greenlit. The plot revolves around a family of Krakens who left the sea to live among humans. They manage to fool the entire town into believing they’re human too, by claiming they’re from Canada. You’d think Krakens look human for this to work, but no! Krakens are blue, oddly shaped, and move like eels, when they are away from water. You’d also assume they’d try to disguise themselves with makeup or act more human. But they don’t. They wander around as blue creatures, and anytime someone questions their behavior, they explain it away with, "I’m from Canada." And, somehow, people believe it. I do not know if Canadians should be upset by this, or it is one of those jokes where oddly behaved people are perceived to be from Canada, probably it is a USA thing.

You might think I’m overthinking this animation, but trust me, there’s nothing to overthink. Why not make it so that Krakens turn humans on land and revert back in the sea? That simple change would’ve solved so many plot holes. One thing is, if they get into water they transform to full Kraken.

The teenager in our Kraken family, Ruby, wants to go to prom. Her mother forbids her because the venue is on a boat, which will be in the water. Of course, as teenagers do, the more she’s told no, the more determined she becomes. Ruby and her friends dream of showing up to prom with their ideal dates, and Ruby is no exception.

How Ruby sneaks onto the boat and the predictable consequences of her actions form the rest of the story. It’s dull, formulaic, and an outright waste of time.