The person who
signed off on this script to be made into a movie should receive a query.
This movie is
not entertaining, and for a film about a secret family protecting the world
from things we can only imagine, I expected gadgets. All through the movie, I
kept expecting to see Artemis suit up and use gadget-like things, but nothing
like that happened—not even a single cool human gadget was present.
The whole fairy
gadget stuff was reduced to two things: one that pauses time and a gun. As for
the Aculos, I don’t know where to classify that. When you watch the movie,
you’ll understand.
The movie is an
hour and thirty minutes long, and I spent the first hour growing to dislike
Artemis. The movie seems meant to spark a franchise from the way it was set up,
but how can you make a franchise from a film that only sparks annoyance? Not
only was the character of Artemis annoying, but he was also totally
unrealistic.
The first hour
was spent giving the movie some depth. That might have been worthwhile for
future installments, if not for the fact that the whole depth-building part was
so boring I had to pause the movie for an hour-long nap. The movie is based on
a book titled Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer, published in 2001.
I learn that
Artemis (a twelve-year-old) is a loner, and the only person he cares for and
respects is his father. His father, on the other hand, is always on some secret
mission and is hardly around. His father teaches him about fairies, trolls,
goblins, and dwarves from the magic world. We, the viewers, get to learn about
a world of magic beneath our feet.
When Artemis
Fowl Sr. goes missing, Artemis Fowl Jr. gets a call instructing him to locate
the Aculos and bring it to the person who holds his father captive. Artemis,
with the help of his father’s butler Dom and his niece Juliet, comes up with a
plan to catch a fairy and ransom it for the Aculos to free his father.
They catch a
fairy named Short, and the others come to free her. This is when things start
to happen, though it’s funny that the explanation above takes an entire hour to
unfold. When the action and somewhat of a fight happen in the Fowl Manor, the
story still didn’t pick up.
This is a movie
that’s supposed to capture the attention of both children and adults, and yet
the first hour is uneventful, with the main character being unappealing. Then,
when the action finally takes place, get ready for the most anticlimactic thing
you can find on TV. The whole buildup and my entire investment of time ended in
a flash—a literal flash.
Something weird
about this movie also—here, I blame the director. It felt like there were too
many things happening for us to see everyone in the movie actually do
something. Of all the things happening, none were interesting enough to matter.
We have the
Juliet character, who was introduced but hardly used in the movie. Dom was
hardly useful, and even Artemis didn’t have enough screen time to change the
impression of him being an annoying young child.
Disney spent
$125 million to produce this movie, and unless Disney has more money to waste,
this will likely be the last we see of Artemis Fowl. You can catch it on
Disney+ if you’re in need of a good nap.
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